An Explanation
by MJlover20
Summary: Four months after Peeta returns to District 12 after the war, he still questions Katniss about what really happened in, and out, of the arenas. Will Katniss be able to come clean about her small realtionship with Gale and how she 'faked' it in the arena?
1. Breaks My Heart

This is my first story in a long time… So please don't be too harsh. Sorry it's so short but I wasn't sure about this... Review for me to continue! Thanks! xoxoxo

I stepped into my – our – home after a long day of hunting, my bag heavy with squirrels and birds. I smiled slightly at the smell of baking bread that could only mean one thing: Peeta. Four months he had been back in District 12, and yet I was never able to anticipate the butterflies in my stomach when something reminded me he was really here_._

My eyebrows raised when I rounded the corner to the kitchen, and was met with a dishwasher running and the oven slowly heating the dough, but no Peeta.

"Peeta?" I called up the stairs that led to our bedroom, the few spare bedrooms, and his art studio. If he wasn't baking, he was painting.

I sighed when I didn't get an answer and began to climb the stairs.

"Peeta? I'm back! And I got a good load, it'll probably last so we…." I walked into his art room to find him standing, griping the edge of a chair, with his back to me.

It never ends.

I stood, watching him to see how bad it was. His shoulder muscles were tense, sweat slowly dripping down the back of his neck. His knuckles were white from clinging to the chair and I knew from experience his eyes would be closed as he tried to determine the shiny memories from the real ones.

"Peeta?" My voice was soft, scared. The tone I had become used to hearing from my mouth whenever I tried to coax him from a flashback like this.

Something triggered in his mind when I said his name, and I didn't know if it was good or bad. He whipped his head around, blue eyes wide open. "Katniss?" He said, clearly surprised.

I took a step towards him, holding out my hand. "Yea, it's just me." I smiled, though my whole body shook.

Peeta's feet went backwards, away from me. I sighed and started with our little game. "Not real, Peeta," I whispered quietly. "Whatever it is, it isn't real."

"You faked it!" He cried, taking a step towards me. I reflexively backed away, but he stopped himself. His eyes squeezed shut and he shook his head. "Not real, not real…."

The thing was, if he was talking about the arena, I had faked it, at least at the time.

My feet shuffled forward until I was standing slightly behind him, my hand on his shoulder. I felt his shoulders relax under my touch. His head was bowed and I knew how guilty he felt. His body shook and I almost lost it.

"Hey, hey it's okay. You didn't hurt me. I'm fine, you're fine."

The blond head looked up, his bright blue eyes staring into mine. "I'm so tired of doing that to you."

My heart pounded out of my chest. Why was he constantly looking out for me? I guess Haymitch was right. I could live a thousand life times and never deserve this man. My mouth opened to respond to him, but instead I pulled him into a hug.

"It's okay. I'm not hurt, right? That's progress," I try to smile but his expression is serious.

"Seriously, Katniss."

"You put up with my nightmares, I put up with you. That's how it works, right?"

That's how it works, right? That's how what works, exactly? This thing we've had since he came back from the Capitol almost four months ago? Friendship? No. More than that. I cared about him, he knew that right? I actually think I might lo…

"Yea. That's how we work…" His voice interrupted my thoughts. He backed away from me, his tears gone. "We live together because that's how it works. You hunt, I bake…we cope with the nightmares and the flashbacks and that's it."

"Peeta…"

"Forget it. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."

My guilt tripled. I turned on my heel, the emotion in the room too much when he seemed to have changed his mind and called out to me.

"I know we don't talk about it…." I turned back around. "But I still love you. With all of my heart." He took a deep breath. "And…I think I deserve to know what really happened. My memories are so jumbled, I can barely remember anything. I mean I can remember exactly who killed who, but I don't remember anything that happened between us. I don't know what happened in the cave. I can't remember if we had the most romantic time of our lives, or if you just left me there. I don't know what happened between you and Gale. I don't remember anything about the Quell, except that you were always by my side…and I don't even know if that was real or not. Katniss, please. I need to know."

What had this flashback done? Brought up everything I had so cleverly avoided. Gale. The 'act' in the arena. How hard his hijacking had been on me. Everything between me and Peeta I had never wanted to bring up. And yet here it was, four months later, staring me in the face.

My heart hurt. I knew it. Deep down, I there was no denying how much I cared about him. Loved him. But I had never been good with words. Could I make him understand without pushing him away? He'd always been so patient with me, that I knew it was at least worth a shot. I took a deep breath and started at the beginning.


	2. Deep Inside My Memory

**Thank you guys so much for the reviews! This is the first part of Katniss and Peeta's conversation! I'm thinking of maybe two more chapters after this. Sorry about any errors. Thanks again for reading! Xoxoxo**

CHAPTER 2 – Deep Inside My Memory

We sat on the floor facing each other, with me gripping his hand. I had absolutely no idea what to say. How could I tell this man, my savior, my life, that I hadn't loved him the whole time? That there was a point where I was choosing between him and someone else? It had hurt him enough when he had to experience it, and here I was, making him relive it.

I resisted the urge to run away.

"Okay," I said, my voice somehow sounding stronger than I felt. "How far do you remember until your memories start to…?" I trailed off not knowing exactly how to word it.

Thankfully, he understood. "I remember everything up until when I joined with the careers. I can't make out anything past teaming up with them."

Well, it was a start. "So you remember telling the whole country you loved me?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

"Do you remember my response?" I winced. I wasn't exactly proud of that. Especially now.

He smiled slightly, squeezing my hand. "Yeah."

"Okay. Well, first off, you and Haymitch came up with this 'brilliant' plan, that I had no knowledge of, to protect me in the arena. You teamed up with the careers to protect me," I repeated for clarity. He nodded slowly, indicating he understood.

I proceeded to explain how Cato and his crew chased me up the tree, Rue pointed out the tracker jackers, Glimmer died from the poisonous bugs, and Rue and I teamed up. I told about his leg wound, Rue's death, and the rule change that now allowed two people from the same district to become victors and go home. When I got to the point of the arena when we were huddled in the cave, my emotions started to give way.

"I think at that point it was just making sure you were safe," I mentioned, my voice soft. "I cared about you, sure. But I didn't know to what extent. All I knew was I had to make it look good for the cameras. It was a show, Peeta." Tears unexpectedly came to my eyes, and I forced them back down. I was feeling extremely guilty about this.

"We kissed." He said. A statement, not a question.

I didn't know whether to be relieved he remembered something on his own, or scared that the memory could be tinted with what the Capitol wanted him to believe.

"Yes."

"More than once."

If I hadn't been so emotional, I probably would have laughed. I nodded instead. "Yes."

"I think I remember that…." he smiled.

"Good," I grinned in return. "You were so injured and sick, I was afraid you weren't going to make it." My heart hurt with the thought of not returning from the arena with him. "There was an announcement that they would be having a feast, and something we needed, your medicine would be there."

"I didn't want you to go."

I finally realized what I was doing. Peeta didn't just want to hear what had happened. He wanted to remember for himself. He wanted to recover those memories locked somewhere deep inside his brain, and feel the emotions that stir out of me whenever I speak of it. And I was helping him.

"That's right. So Haymitch sent me sleep syrup to knock you out so I could leave."

"You risked your life for me?"

I shrugged. "I knew you would've done the same for me."

"Was it real?" He wondered, and I knew what he was asking. Was it for the cameras? Did I love him at that point?

"Peeta, when we kissed…I, I felt something. My head said that everything was for the cameras, for the Capitol, so that we could both survive. But my heart told me that I didn't want it to ever end…"

I didn't want to talk about this anymore. Everything I had never shared with anyone was laying out on the table. Honestly, it scared me. I was silent for a few minutes before Peeta spoke up.

"I know enough for now, Katniss. I'm starting to remember… You don't have to keep doing this."

"No!" I responded quickly. "No, I need too. For both of us. We need to get past it…" I sighed, and wrapped my hand around his even tighter.

I described our victory fairly easily. His procedures on his leg, the pain I felt when I thought I'd lost him. The interview. Then the train ride home, which, unfortunately, he didn't remember very well.

"I told you it was an act," I whispered. "You got mad, went back inside, and didn't talk to me again until we got home." I took a deep breath to muster up the courage to say the next part. "What I didn't get to finish telling you, was that somewhere in between wanting to kill you and risking my life for you, I had fallen in love with you. Or was starting to. And it was scaring me. Everyone I'd ever loved had left me. I never wanted to become like my mother and falling in love wasn't something I even considered. Until you."

His face lit up.

"You started to break down my walls. And that scared me, so I pushed you away. I shouldn't have. Those nights after the Games were horrible without you." Tears streamed down our faces freely now, and neither one of us reached up to brush them off. This was something we needed to let out.

I skipped the Victory Tour when he assured me that he remembered the important bits and pieces.

Next was Gale. I wanted to push this down, to bury it. But I suddenly had an idea. I'd tell him about the kiss Gale and I had shared, and then I'd take him down to the lake for the rehashing of the Quell. Maybe some fresh air would be a good distraction. All of the emotion of the past two years coming up again was about to suffocate me in this room.

"Peeta…I still didn't know what I felt towards you. We didn't talk for months, and Gale and I were still best friends. One day, before we came back in from the woods, he turned and kissed me. I didn't know what to think… I mean he was my best friend, nothing more. But all of a sudden I saw him differently."

Of course, Peeta knew about this. Even during the war in the Capitol, he and Gale had talked about it. Peeta had thought he'd had competition when, in reality, it was always Peeta. Gale was just like me. We possessed enough fire between the two of us to light up all of Panem. But I didn't need someone to add fuel to my personality. I needed someone who would quiet it. The boy with the bread. It was always the boy with the bread.

"It was always you, Peeta. I just didn't know that."

I squeezed his hand and, to prove my point, leaned in to lightly peck his lips with mine.

"What do you say we finish talking about this outside?" I asked. "I have somewhere I want to show you. Someplace I never shared with anyone. Not even Gale."

Peeta smiled and stood up, offering his hands to me. "I'd love too."


	3. The Hardest Part

**Okay, so I'm pretty happy with this chapter. Thanks again for the reviews, they make my day! Enjoy! xoxoxo**

CHAPTER 3 – The Hardest Part

We walked through the woods hand in hand, and my heart was pumping a million miles an hour. They say I don't know the effect I can have? I don't think Peeta knows the effect he has on me.

We didn't say anything during the entire walk. I think I had just spoken enough for both of us. But his fingers intertwined with mine and, for that moment, I was happy.

I looked up at him so that he could see the joy he's placed in my life. So he knew that I have the ability to move on from our horrible situations, even if it's just a little bit here and there. That he wasn't wasting his time. That he was slowly taking down my walls; brick by brick.

He smiled back. A real, genuine smile that reached all the way up to his baby blue eyes.

I squeezed his hand as the trees opened up. "We're here," I whisper, as if talking any louder would ruin the moment.

I watched him as we emerged from the woods. His mouth dropped and his hand around mine tightened just slightly. The amazement in his face made me laugh.

"What?" He asked, innocently.

I shook my head. "Nothing. It's beautiful here, isn't it?"

He nodded in agreement. The lake was sparkling and the sun bright in the early spring day. This is where I felt comfortable. Here, I could talk to Peeta all day.

I took off my shoes and Peeta followed my actions. We waded into the water, my hand never leaving his. The water was cool and the bottom of the lake was familiar. It was like I was back with my father, ten years ago.

I closed my eyes. "I came here with my dad," I said after the silence had lingered for a while. "He showed it to me and no one else."

"Did you ever come here after he died?" Peeta asked, truly curious.

I nodded. "Once. And then vowed never to again. It was too hard."

He looked at me, a puzzled look on his face. "Why are you showing me…?"

I opened my eyes to look up at him. "I'm moving on, right? I thought the lake could use a fresh start too. That it could be our place."

He pulled me towards him and wrapped his arms around me. My head rested on his shoulder. "I love it," he said quietly.

I closed my eyes again. I knew we'd have to finish what we started back home, but I didn't want to move. Peeta made me feel safe and I didn't want to move from his arms.

We stood still, both of us staring at the lake. Birds fluttered above our heads, the breeze rustling the trees occasionally. Finally, Peeta spoke up. "Now which challenge do you want to overcome first? Finish telling me about the Quell, or teach me to swim?"

I laughed. "I don't know. Which one's going to be harder?"

His arms tightened around me, his chest rumbling from his own laughter. "Sweetheart, I'm sure you'd have an easier time teaching me to hunt than to swim. And we both know how our hunting lesson went."

My heart warmed at his use of Haymitch's nick name for me. Instead of making it sound like an insult, he made it the best sound in the world.

"I'll tell you about the Quell first, so I have something to look forward to," I smiled. At least I'd get a good laugh out of today. The heartache and tears just have to come first.

"Okay," he agreed, his voice, lacking the laughter, was serious again.

We climbed back up to the grass and sat down, my back pressed against his chest.

I took a deep breath to begin where I had left off, but the words wouldn't come. It was supposed to be easier, since I wasn't even looking at him, but my mouth just hung open. I thread my fingers through his, and he squeezed them in reassurance. But I just sat there.

"Katniss?"

"I don't know if I can do this, Peeta. You….You're going to hate me."

I felt his mouth come up to my ear. "I could never hate you."

I got butterflies.

"You will," I protested. I was so scared of that happening.

"I promise you, I won't. I love you, always," he breathed.

My head whipped around. "You remember that?" I asked, my grin, I'm sure, huge.

He nodded and I gained a little bit of the courage I needed.

"Just start from the interviews, Katniss. Tell me what happened there," Peeta encouraged, giving me a place to begin. He rubbed his free hand up and down my arm in support.

Settling my head against his shoulder, I began to spit the words out. "Caesar asked you about me. We were still instructed to keep up this 'act' so that's what you did. You told him I was pregnant."

"You weren't, were you?" I turned to see Peeta's face in alarm. "I mean….I think I would remember if we ever…"

"No," I said, my cheeks blushing. "I wasn't. But the whole country believed you. We gained a ton of sponsors and Haymitch's plan was working flawlessly. He told us to build an alliance with other tributes, but of course, I refused. And you went along with me, so we went in to the arena alone."

"We teamed up with Finnick and Joanna. Real or not real?"

"Real. Once we were in the arena, we did make friends with them. Finnick even saved your life."

"A blast…"

"A force field," I nodded, excited he was remembering something else. The rest of the arena I described with ease. He began to remember simple things; the clock, the water, the food, the spile we used to get the sap.

"Then there was the night on the beach," I smiled, closing my eyes and squeezing his hand. "I was trying to protect you, and you were trying to protect me, so we were always arguing about who was going to come out of the arena. We were talking about it when we started kissing," I took a deep breath. "Peeta, I know that if the cameras hadn't been there, I wouldn't have stopped. There was a hunger inside me that had nothing to do with malnutrition."

I felt his lips on the back of my head. He wasn't asking for this, yet I was offering it. And I could tell he was glad I had. "I was starting to realize that I couldn't live without you. That I was falling in love with you."

Peeta kept quiet, but he kissed my shoulder, and I could tell he was smiling.

I told him about Beetee's plan to kill the Careers. "When we were finally ready to put the plan into action, we were separated. I was with Joanna and she attacked me. Or so I thought. She pulled out the tracker." I pulled up my sleeve to show him the scar from that night. "Before I knew what was happening, a hovercraft was picking me up. I was so out of it, I didn't care if the Capitol killed me right then. I thought that at least it would be over…"

But it wasn't over. They tortured the both of us for months afterwards. I started getting choked up. "I'm sorry, Peeta. If I hadn't left with Joanna, the Capitol wouldn't have ever done this to you and…"

Peeta interrupted me. "Don't you dare blame yourself for this, Katniss. It's their fault. Not yours."

I sighed. "I wish I could believe that."

Peeta wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer. "Believe it."

I didn't want to continue, but after a few minutes, I regained my composure. "Those few months were hell," I admitted. "I was so scared that they were going to kill you. That you would die before I ever got to tell you how I felt. I loved you, unconditionally, and you were taken from me. The very thing I was so afraid of."

Tears started to form in my eyes, but I pressed on. "I watched your interviews. I demanded that they rescue you. Peeta, I didn't sleep, I didn't eat. I was a complete mess." He wanted the truth, I was going to tell him. "When they said you were back, I had never been so happy in my life. Finnick and I ran to the hospital, and when I was sent into your room…."

"I tried to choke you," Peeta filled in, his eyes filled with pain. He'd heard this part before. In his therapy and debriefing before he came back to District 12. He knew what had happened. I was done.

"Yes…" I whispered. Please, I thought, don't have an episode right now.

He let out a breath. "I'm sorry I put you through that."

"I'd do it again." I said truthfully. "A hundred times over. As long as you returned to me, I'd do anything."

"I'm sorry…" He repeated.

I turned around fully to see tears streaming down his face.

"Oh, Peeta. It wasn't you. It was the Capitol. They used you and turned you against me." I wrapped my arms around his head, bringing it down to my shoulder. "Please, don't be sorry. It wasn't your fault."

He hugged me back, almost carefully, as if he was afraid I'd break. "I still do it to you…"

"Yes, but when you love someone, you learn to accept all of them. Even their flaws." I used my index finger to raise his face to be level with mine. "And I love you, Peeta. All of you. You're broken, hurt, and scarred. But we both are. You have your days. But so do I. We just accept that there are parts of us that will always be in the games. Please don't beat yourself up. I…"

He interrupted by kissing me forcefully. "You love me?"

I closed my eyes. I had said that, hadn't I?

"Yes," I whispered, hoping to God that he realized how much. "So much, Peeta." I kissed him again, so happy that I was able to get everything about the Games off of my chest.

He gathered me in his arms. "Thank you."

I looked up at him, confused.

"For helping me remember. I know it wasn't easy for you. But it means a lot to me."

"You're welcome," I whispered against his chest. "Thank you for teaching me how to move on. _That_ means a lot to _me_."

He whispered, "You're welcome" against my hair.

We sat, content without conversation. The sun beat down, warming my skin and I could faintly hear the familiar noises of the woods behind us. I was proud of myself. And of Peeta. I was finally able to open up, and he was so strong for me. It was unbelievable how perfectly we fit.

"So," Peeta said, his voice sounding deeper, like it did when he was really tired. "Are you going to teach me to swim or what?"


	4. Letting Go

**So sorry it's taken me so long to get this last chapter up! I was kind of at a loss for this one… so let me know what you think, pretty please! I think it turned out okay! xoxoxo**

CHAPTER 4 – Letting Go

Peeta was right. Teaching him to swim was even harder than teaching him how to keep his feet quiet while we trek through the woods. Eventually, he could tell I was getting frustrated and simply floated on his back while I dunked myself, the cool water feeling amazing as my hair soaked it up.

This was perfect. Everything was out in the open. No more secrets. No more tip toeing around each other's feelings. I could finally have what I know we've both wanted since he came home; each other.

I smiled as I realized this. There was nothing standing in my way anymore. I was Peeta's and he was mine. Why didn't I see this before?

At that moment, Peeta got up to stand uneasily on the lake bottom. I waded over to him, wrapping my arms around his head. "Peeta," I whispered, looking straight into those blue eyes, which had once held distain for me, but I knew now held nothing but love.

"Yes, love?" He asked, bending down slightly to kiss the tip of my nose.

"I love you."

He raised his eyebrows as he smiled at me. "This may come as a bit of a shock to you, Miss Everdeen, but I love you too."

I laughed and jumped up so my legs wrapped around him, his arms coming around my back to support me. "That's a relief," I teased back, happy to have this moment after all the horrible ones we had encountered. Especially, it seemed, when I was just starting to feel something towards him. Here though, nothing was going to interrupt us. "I was worried there for a second."

The playful smile vanished from his face. "I'm not leaving, Katniss," he whispered, completely serious and misinterpreting my earlier statement.

It was sort of cute.

"Peeta," I whispered back, brushing his wet hair away from his face. "I know. And neither am I."

I think that was all he needed. Without warning, both of us were out of the lake, my back pressed against the soft grass, and him kissing me. Everywhere.

That feeling was back. The hunger from the Quell struck me and I knew that this time there was no holding back. Everything I needed was right here. Peeta held my heart in his hand and even though that scared the hell out of me, I was finally ready to take the risk.

My hands reached up to his dirty blond hair as he continued to kiss my lips, my cheek, my neck. I heard a strange noise and looked around for a split second before I realized that sound had come from me. "Peeta," I moaned into his ear. I didn't want him to stop, but he did. He pulled back and looked me in the eye.

"I…I'm scared," I whispered honestly. I didn't know what to do. I trusted and loved him with every ounce of strength I had left in my body, but this was something new. What if I wasn't good enough for him? What if I just didn't know what to do? What if…?

"Do you trust me?" He asked quietly, his eyes penetrating mine.

I nodded, unable to speak.

"Then let go, Katniss."

His words released something in me. I smiled up at him, and it was me who pressed my lips back against his.

As he continued to kiss me, I thought about everything that I loved about this man. How he constantly made me feel better about myself. How he reassured me. How he listened and painted while I recalled memories. How he baked. How he slept with the windows open. How he never let anything get in the way of him reaching his goals. How he loved me unconditionally from the time we were five years old.

And I knew, for the first time since my sister's name was called at the reaping two years ago, that I was safe. He would never hurt me. He would always, even on my bad days, love me completely, scars and all.

And that's why I followed his words. I totally, completely let go.


End file.
